Kerstin

Dear reader:

The columns on my blog become thinner every day. It’s natural; this continual nagging day after day.

I am right now digging in the chest where I keep the documents in an attempt to find something, anything of interest. So here I am, letting you read an interview with us from 1990 made by a journalist by the name of Ulf.

Kerstin: “Ulf, you asked me at one point to reply to some questions about my faith and my devotionals.

I grew up in a Christian home and I accepted that lifestyle and naturally embraced the joy this has brought, even if I personally have had no “revolutionary” born-again-experience.  My faith might best be explained in the Hymn 183 (appendix 1) in the Swedish Hymn book ‘Som sådden förnimmer Guds välbehag…’ Like the seeds in the soil can sense God’s pleasure, my body and soul give praise to you my God for my earthly toil and earthly duties and I thank you, God in Heaven.’

Not expecting any dramatic experiences, I have made use of the possibility of prayer by thanking for help and protection after a strenuous working day with meetings, discussions, decision-making and long trips - intercession for the children and others in our family. I have prayed for help in difficult situations and the fact is that I have been able to take on demanding challenges staying calm and composed. To use a religious idiom it has been like ‘walking in the good deeds that God has prepared for us’.

For the most part I have been the early bird in the family and that’s when I have had a few minutes in solitude and spiritual focus. My time on the road I often devote to prayer and meditation. At the time of Olle’s disappearance I know that our friends prayed for us. This might be the reason why we were able to keep our mental balance. A prayer which I often prayed after Olle’s disappearance is: God – if Olle is alive – keep your protecting hands over him and be with him. Give him the chance to somehow get in touch with us, or in some other way make himself known, so that we may help him. Give the people who might know anything about what has happened to him courage to come forth and tell someone what they know. Help the police. Give them imagination and ideas, give them wisdom. Incidentally, I sent a message directly to Olle through the request in Ylva Eggehorn’s Hymn 256. (Enclosure 3). “Don’t be afraid, there is a secret sign, a protective Name…”

I can write this in present tense. The first part of the hymn in particular, I can re-interpret so that it becomes an urgent request to Olle. I always include Olle – and the police – and possible witnesses as well as the perpetrator in my intercession. As I have already said, I need no attributes for my devotionals. But during the long autumn evenings of waiting and wondering after Olle’s disappearence, we always had a candle lit by his photograph.

In our house in Järsta (Härnösand) we used to keep the window lights on in the hallway until all members of the family had come home. The one who came home last would turn the light off. With the exception of the bright part of the year that light was on all evenings after September 9, 1983.

I looked for comfort in my hymnbook. But hymns I had sung earlier were not suitable in this new situation we were in. The texts were distant, trivial, even hurting. To boot, I had lost my singing voice. I did play the melodies on our piano, melodies with familiar words. In addition to the prayer for Olle I kept playing an evening hymn.

To the best of our ability we have tried to arrange a safe place for our children. We have never had excess of money, but what we had was always considered as everybody’s assets. Olle always spoke about “our home”, “our furniture”, “our money.”

I have suffered no guilt in connection with Olle’s disappearance – except in one respect: Have I, in my zeal to believe that people are fundamentally good, contributed to the fact that Olle was not enough on his guard? Did he unsuspectingly accompany someone who became his fate?

                                 KERSTIN

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